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February 15, 2013 / Dale Melchin

How To Get the Guy or Girl Part 4: The Big Questions

Do you love me? Do you value what I value? Do we value the same things? Do our visions sync up? Will you date me?  Can you walk with me? Will you marry me? (fellas, you should be the one to ask this) I will go into these in further detail.  There are other oriented questions that you should ask, but I will get into those later in the series.

Alright, lets assume you are one of those who are in a long term relationship.  You’ve been dating anywhere between 6 months to 2 years.  The relationship has been relatively drama free and everyone has met each other’s parents and both of you are eager for the next step.

Here are some questions that each party should ask that provide a framework for going to the next step.

Do you love me?
Do we value the same things?
Do our visions sync up
Will you marry me?

Do you love me? Is foundational.  Whether this has been expressed openly or not is irrelevant, it is more important that the actions are there as opposed to the words.  It should eventually be expressed openly so that way the other feels secure in the relationship.  And to further define things, love goes beyond mere feelings or attraction.  If the attraction is there, but you are not expressing love in action to each other in ways that are meaningful to the other person, you are not even ready to ask the next question, in a relationship advancing way.  You are only ready to ask it in relationship evaluating way.  The beauty is the question regardless of how it is being used produces the same follow up questions when asked as objectively and honestly as possible.

I realize that even the best relationships have problems.  However for the relationship to advance and remain healthy, it must be followed up by an honest assessment of the situation?  Is there constant manipulation?  Is there abuse on any level?  Is there any infidelity or desire to explore another relationship?  Are there any trait deal breakers?  I’ll get into what all of this looks like in the next question.  The main point is that if you are clear of any of these glaring problems and the existing issues are manageable, you may be ready for the next step.

Do you value what I value?
Given my background, the first thing that comes to my mind, is are both parties Christians?  To apply this to a more broad audience, do both of you share the same religious or at least ideological world view?  A failure in this area will lead to problems in a marriage because decisions, regardless of who is dominant are made jointly.  This will impact child rearing and other life choices later on if you are not in agreement on these things at a fundamental level.

The other part of this is are there any trait deal breakers?  In other words, if there is anything about the other person that is a deal breaker?  This can be anything.  Personality traits, economic issues, personal issues etc that either of you are not willing to tolerate.  Be brutally honest.  If any of these problems are present.  Stop.  Talk to your mentors, before you look to move the relationship forward.  If the deal breakers that are present are tolerated it will lead to a relational break down further down the road.  This is your life we are talking about, don’t risk binding yourself to a potential problem later on.  It is best to be intentional now than to walk into needless suffering down the road.

Do our visions sync up?
This is similar to the previous, but different.  It has to do more with the total direction of life in general.  An extreme example of this is someone who is called to be a missionary dating someone who sees themselves staying right there in the United States.  In this case the missionary should only be dating other missionaries.

A more subtle version of this is someone who is an entrepreneur dating someone who is risk averse.  The business owner in this case can take steps to insulate his potential wife from the fall out of the risk.  Depending on the nature of the enterprise this can be done by taking a day job that pays the bills while working to get the operation up and running.

If they don’t sync up necessarily, that is ok.  If you can acknowledge, accept and encourage each others dreams and are willing to work together to make both happen, the relationship can happen.  If there isn’t a spirit of cooperation though, then problems will arise.

Will you marry me?  
Fellas, you should be the one asking this question.  If you fail to do it in a timely manner.  Turn in your man card. 😉

The corresponding question from the woman in the relationship should be, can I marry him?

If the answers are both yes.  Congratulations, a wedding is in order.

As I’ve stated before the key to this whole thing is intentionality and attention to outcomes.  You must have both of those things in play if the relationship is going to last.

What would asking these questions or simply being more intentional make possible for you?

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