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February 14, 2013 / Dale Melchin

How to get the Guy or Girl Part 3: Attachment and Wooing

Now that we’ve laid the groundwork for relationships which starts with the individual we’ll get into the nuts and bolts of things and none too soon.  Today is the big day, but, since the 14th tends to be wrapped in wooing and all things sentimental, I’ll wait until the 15th to talk further about the big questions.

For now, we’ll cover two topics in this post, attachment and wooing.  To keep things neat and tidy, I consolidated these two topics because they are interrelated.

The attachment, attraction or crush is where it starts.  Wooing (on either side, but traditionally the man) is the next logical step.  First, I give you the attachment, or the crush.

The Attachment or The Crush (I’m fitting this mainly to men, sorry girls, I can’t see it from where you sit.)

You see her.  She is the most beautiful woman you have laid eyes on.  Everytime you see her, angels sing, there is a halo about her being.  You are smitten.  She may be a long standing friend and you’ve just realized your feelings

She may be someone you know but not well but you want to approach.  However, you can’t do it.  When you try to talk to her you choke.  You try to summon the courage.  She may be with someone else (unmarried).  Or she is completely unattached.  This my friend… is the crush.

I don’t recommend grand theft relationship in any form.  I will leave that to your judgement depending upon the disposition of the current relationship.  The other will either avoid you or set a boundary, or completely re-evaluate, but I digress.  Onward!

You want to act, but you are afraid, what if she turns you down?  Here is the glorious thing.  What if she agrees to a date?

This, is the other glorious thing.  You are a ball of emotions.

From those emotions, you can use the positive feelings to banish the doubtful.  But soft my friend, hold and breathe, deeply, step back.  Only for a time though.

If the feelings are that intense the best thing to do is to not go headlong.  You must remember what we’ve been talking about previously.

The universe is based on process.  Relationships are part of the universe.  Therefore, relationships are based on process.
Before you go discuss a date with your long standing friend or crush.  Take a day or two to step back.  And plan

The best reason to not go headlong regardless of length is that you are idealizing.  You are making her into something she is not (that you know of).  Step back and think.  Plan.  Or as Obiwan Kenobi in Star Wars II exhorts Anakin Skywalker when chasing the bounty hunter:  “Use the Force!  Think!”  You do want to emotionally protect yourself during this process.

When considering pursuing someone there are several things to consider beyond attraction, look or apparent personality or even how you think you feel about them.

First thing we need to remember is that our feelings are on a continuum.  If we feel good about something, and it fails us, we develop aversion.  The exact same goes for relationships.

If the attachment-aversion level isn’t managed, the relationship will fail.  Regardless of the intensity of the positive feelings.
What you are feeling isn’t reality and it is ultimately part of your biochemistry.  This can be managed.  Since it can be managed, it which means we are in charge of it.  Even if we do not think we are not now.

The next thing you need to consider is the prospect’s reputation.  This is why dating from a wide network of acquaintances works best.   Most of the leg work is done for you.

If they are part of your friends, you definitely know this!  There is no way of really knowing this from a website or bar.  At least on the front end.
While reputation isn’t everything it is an important thing.  Make sure you get both sides of the story.

Remember, you are wanting to date this person.  So be intentional.  Don’t let the whole process fail by a lack of planning.  In these situations it is best to remember the 5 P’s.  Planning prevents piss poor performance.

The next thing to consider is if you have anything at all in common.  You’ll figure this out on the first initial dates, sometimes.  If you are not in the habit of dating and only in habit of hanging out with girls you are beyond my skill to heal and I will outsource you to my new acquaintance, Brett and let him set you on the right path.  As scared of the fairer sex as I was, I could still get dates.  Ya’ll kids are scaredy cats!  But again, I digress.

However, if you are one of those who gets the process of dating, you want to make sure that the process is enjoyable for both of you.

You can find out common interests, from the prospect herself is you are friends already.  If you are indirectly connected you can find it out from friends.

The next thing to think about is how the first date will happen?

Will it be just coffee?
Will it be just be a light meal?
This is a judgement call, and depend greatly on the pre-existing relationship.

After weighing those considerations, act.  Approach the prospect, ask for the date.  That simple.

Now I realize the emotions and nerves may or may not be running high.  If you simply accept that those emotions are going to happen you’ll be fine.  If you fail, it while it may hurt, your grit and tenacity will help you later.

Remember it makes the anxiety stronger is running from it.  So, embrace it.  You’ll live to date another day.

Depending upon how your first round went you’ll either:

Repeat (Different person, don’t be a creep, if they give you a chance, they’ll ask you).

Or start the wooing/dating process.  Which leads us into the second and shorter part of this post.

Wooing/Dating: It is important during this part of the process not to let the attraction get ahead of ourselves.  It is equally important to know what our intentions are during the duration of the relationship.

Since the dating relationship is exploratory sexual intimacy is ill-advised.

Remember that part I mentioned earlier about bio chemistry?
Its a pain in the ass to control, although it is controllable.  But when you succumb to it the first time its hard to resist the ensuing times.  The other reason is while there are protections out there and utilizing them is smart

The attachment factor gets amped up when sex comes into the equation, regardless of what you may think.

I’m not being a prude about this, I’m married and I like sex just as much as the next

While there is a strong moral element, I’m talking about self control.  I mean, seriously,  You don’t just eat whatever the hell you want and expect to stay healthy.  You don’t just do whatever the hell you want and expect to stay healthy.

Same thing with sex.

Master the urges and you’ll stay emotionally and physically healthy.  I realize not everyone buys into this idea, and I’m ok with that.

Your intentions during this time is to find out if this person is going to be a good life-partner.  That’s why I preached the previous sermon about staying abstinent.  It is difficult to determine your intentions if you don’t have a vision for your life.

If you don’t have a vision forget dating for a while.
Read this post and do what I recommend and then come back to this.

Those of you have a vision, stay tuned.

While you want to spend time talking with each other and asking each other questions, you’ll also want to spend time doing projects together.  This could include community activities, a common project at work, or helping each other around the house (careful with this one) or helping each others parents out with something.

During this time, it is best to keep things light and easy, focus on values, not each other’s bodies and keep your legs closed ;-).  If you’re doing it correctly within 6 months (friendship sourced dating) to 2 years (external to circle of friends dating) you should figure out if they are going to be a good fit.  And that is a great segway into the next post.  the big questions.

What would having a more process oriented approach to dating make possible for you?

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