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February 13, 2013 / Dale Melchin

How to Get the Guy or Girl Part 2: Doing

The thing we need to remember as Westerners and you should remember personally when thinking about success or failure in relationships is that being precedes being.  The reason why people have such a hard time with challenging things like wealth accumulation or romance, etc is that we fail to be before we do.  This part will deal with the doing aspect of romance.  And by doing, I’m not just talking about sex.  😉  I’m talking about actions taken to create the specific results in your romantic life.

1. Romance is a process.

I hate to break it to you, but regardless of how intentional or unintentional you are romance is a process.  You have to do certain things, in order to get those results.  The first thing we need to do is acknowledge that it is a process.  The next thing you need to do is commit to that process.

2. Romance isn’t about you.

Yes, a romantic relationship is very enjoyable and fun, when it is on the up and up.  Ultimately though it isn’t about you getting what you want out the relationship, it is about the other person.  Now with that said, the person you are involved with needs to realize this as well, and thus make it a two way street.  That way the needs are met without dangerous grasping.

3. There are specific actions that need to be taken for the relationship to become successful.

This is going to vary from relationship to relationship.  But it can be broken down into several basic steps.

The first of these is communication.  According to communication is “the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.”  You can break down communication for our purposes into the following components.

Input.  You are giving information to your partner about whatever it is you are talking about.  This could be something as mundane as the work day or something deep and essential to your being.

Feedback.  Your partner, or if you are the receiver you speak back to the other, to communicate your understanding of the subject at hand.

Empathy.  This is the way you speak back to them, and according to Dr. Covey in Seven Habits, its more than speaking back, but it starts there.  Empathy is where you identify the emotions coming from your partner and connecting with them.  This is a non-judgmental element.  You CANNOT, MUST NOT judge during this part of the process.

Repeat.  As the conversation goes deeper into the subject matter, you and your partner will continuously open up to each other.

Permission.  In many conversations, this part is overlooked.  We want to communicate back our perspective on things.  We mustn’t do this until we have permission.  Permission is a vital part of the process, and it opens up the way for a win win conversation.

Advising.  If the other feels as though they’ve gotten their feelings out, and you have permission.  You may give advice.  If they coil up, immediately go back to empathy and listening.  If need be, acknowledge the mess and ask if you could start again.  In most relationships if the emotional account is high or if just good will exists, you can do this.

Again, repeat.

If the communication processes are working well, it will solve 90% of the problems in the relationship.

After communication, though, is action.  You need to do things for the other person.  Again, this is going to vary from relationship to relationship.  Now, the actions must be relevant to the other person.  If you think going for ice cream to talk is a great idea, communicate that to your partner.  But don’t think your partner is going to think it is going to be a great idea.  Your loving actions must be crafted to meet the emotional needs of the other person.  Because remember, it is about them.


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